This was never going to happen to me/us. Divorce. A family torn apart. Then, it did. Fifteen years into our seemingly happy marriage, my husband decided he wasn’t in love and didn’t want to be married. This was more than a shock; it was a sucker punch.
I remember him packing his things and driving away from the house, kids in tears and me beyond broken. Why? I was a believer, we went to church, we were educated, loving and yet, somehow, I wasn’t enough.
My children were my priority. I didn’t want them to feel the hollowness, the brokenness and the rejection that I felt. I knew I had to dig deep and be strong for them and with them. I knew I needed God, but I was ashamed to return to church. I felt like I walked around with a big scarlet letter on my head. My anger grew at my situation, at God and mostly at my husband. Finances were a mess and I was overwhelmed trying to raise an 8 and 10 year old with love and respect for their dad.
Not too long after all of the realities kicked in, I completely broke. One night, I began to sob and cried out to God asking for forgiveness and saying that I could not do this alone. I cried out, “Please help me God. Please give me grace towards my husband, please help me with my next step.”
It was at that moment I literally felt the Holy Spirit wash over me…I describe it as a “whoosh”. I knew then that God was bigger than my fear, bigger than my anger and bigger than my tears. I was enough! Through my pain and utter heartbreak, God never left my side. He has been my Father, my provider and EL ROI-the God who sees me.
I returned to church, even though I couldn’t see what God had planned for me, but I was loved and found a family that ministered to my children. God gave me the strength to actively co parent with my ex-husband in a healthy productive way. This was a blessing to our children, and both of us.
There are days when I still wonder, but God has used my brokenness to minister to others and let them know they are loved, they are enough, and they are never alone.
Now, when I feel alone, through prayer, worship and quiet time, I feel His presence, His strength and His purpose. Although it may be an overly commonly used verse, Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength- got me through many days when I couldn’t do it alone.